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Over-used and toxic phrases and words
By Doug Smith, Reminders for the Journey
There are a handful of toxic words and phrases, all very commonly used, that are very likely to result in defensiveness, defiance, or guilt in the person to whom they are spoken.
Not many like to be told that "You ought to," or "You should," or "You need to," or "You must." However, if you just pay attention to everyday use of language, you will hear these phrases used rather constantly.
Very fortunately, at least for me, back in the late '60s and early '70s, I was able to learn about this kind of dysfunctional communication through the psychological tool of Transactional Analysis, a way of looking not only at ourselves, but also to observe how we interact with other humans.
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| Doug Smith |
Who are these critical parent figures? Well, just about anyone, but especially many, if not most, bosses, spouses, parents, even our children at times, preachers, teachers, politicians, etc. Friends fall into this category as well, though usually these kinds of friendship are not long-lasting. They also use non-verbal communication, such as the pointed finger, facial expressions, arms folded across the chest. A harsh tone of voice is also often the culprit.
By becoming aware of the usage of these phrases and gestures, we have opportunities that will enhance our relationships. One such boon is that refraining from using these weapons will result in our friends and family members more likely to feel safe in our presence. The other is that as we hear these used so commonly by others is that we can either challenge them on their assumptions, which are usually opinions offered as if they were facts. Or perhaps better yet, we can just learn to avoid these folks and seek out people who are less prejudiced and more open-minded. I very deliberately avoid having these people in my life! I encourage you to do the same.
Many parents of grown children seem to continue to believe that they are most always right, even though their offspring have often passed them up in every way possible. As a result, they will make ridiculous statements such as, "Well, I am still your mother, no matter how old you are." And to some extent, I agree, but when our children are "grown" we may continue to be Mom and Dad, but they are no longer our children. What makes this difficult is that some still want to be treated on the largesse side of parental bounty, while at the same time think they have the right to thumb their noses at their parent's wishes or whims. Not many people are easily acceptable of voicing their opinions to those whose lives they are financially supporting! And I can't argue with this!
Doug Smith is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Lewisville. Contact him at 972-436-6227 or doug@ccclewisville.com.
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